A Journal in the COVID Phase

30-3-20, Monday, 5:18pm

My boyfriend tells me that journaling helps with accounting at the end of the day and is supposedly a good way to start the next day afresh. Now that I'm starting this, it somehow instantly feels lighter. By 'it' I mean the weight we're all carrying around whilst trying to keep a "calm down, you don't have it" (in case you're a hypochondriac like me) or "this too shall pass" (if also like me, Instagram is your only refuge) face. Now that we're two minutes into this, I guess I can start talking about how it's been with me? Okay. It's been kind of miserable. I'd want to note here that while my home is the safest for me to be at during a lockdown, my 'subject-to-a-lockdown-headspace' isn't. The only relief is that there's no one to blame it on except me so that helps if it counts anyway. But overall, it's like living in your own pit of emotional turmoil. And with each passing day, I am maybe putting myself deeper into it. 

Suddenly everything seems anxiety-provoking. Whether it's friends asking you to play online Pictionary or setting up an agenda for the next day. Things that you can easily get done with seem like a task. A more specific way to describe would be with an example of say, you pulling a big rock across the ground. To start with, say you can move it and you're confident that you'll be able to pull it through. But then there's a point where it's like there was superglue on the ground because you can't move that rock. You try a bit but you can't so then you wait. Wait to regain the strength, call it just wiping the sweat, you wait until you believe that you can move it again. Some moments later, you give it your next shot and surprisingly, it moves with the slightest push. And all of this repeats like a sweet tale of being determined and whatnot until you get stuck again. Give it ‘n’ tries, and now you don't know if you can move the rock anymore. It's not like you don't want to try, it's just that you're scared that you'll get stuck again. Likewise, it's just that making a new agenda for the next day is futile because some part of you says that you'd not be able to progress on it anyway. So then, you wait again for this strange wave of positivity to hit you and compel you to go for the (n+1)th try. 

I don't know how to go on from here. My wave hasn't come yet. 

However, I guess I'll still make a 'fall-back' list of things to do. A steam-session for your face, 20 mins of exercise, drinking 8 glasses of water and reading something. Well, I can't just sit around and wait for the stupid wave? Right?

By Tanvi Madaan